THE POWER OF DEEP LISTENING

Have you ever spoken to someone who made you feel like you were the only person in the world at that moment? Who seemed truly engaged and interested in every word that came out of your mouth? How did that make you feel? Important? Understood? 

This is the power of deep listening. Deep listening is more than a valuable social habit; it is a transformative communication tool. With deep listening, you are not only allowing yourself the time and space to fully absorb what your conversation partner is saying, you can actually encourage him or her to to feel heard and to speak more openly and honestly. And this is a key step in developing rapport with someone. 

To better understand how to interact and communicate more effectively with others, we spoke to body language expert Jan Hargrave, one of our Leadership Academy speakers, about the core tenets of deep listening:

EYE CONTACT

“By maintaining good eye contact, you are demonstrating to your conversation partner that you are fully engaged and interested in what he or she is saying. A good guideline to follow is the 80/20 rule, in which 80% of the time your eyes are meeting your speaking partner’s, and 20% of the time, your eyes are roaming as you gather information to say.”

PRESENCE

“The average person speaks between 135 and 160 words per minute, but the average person’s brain works between 400 and 600 words per minute. This means your mind is going a lot faster than your conversation partner’s mouth, which makes it easy for your mind to drift. It’s up to you to stop your mind from shifting away from the conversation and to be truly present. Not only will you be able to fully absorb what your partner says, you will be able to respond in kind, which makes them feel appreciated and understood.”

NONVERBAL FEEDBACK

“There’s nothing worse than speaking to someone who gives no verbal feedback. It’s like talking to a wall. Make the effort to give the occasional nod, smile, or other sign of recognition to your conversation partner. These nonverbal cues may seem trivial, but have tremendous impact by showing your interest, understanding and involvement in the conversation.”

CONNECTION

“When you are speaking one-on-one with someone, position your body in a way that creates a safe and welcoming space for him or her to speak openly. Lean slightly in, open up your chest, pull your shoulders back, and fold your hands gently in your lap or on the table in front of you. If you are standing, form a reversed hand steeple, in which the fingers come together to form a point. When someone steeples in the lap area, it means they are confident about what they are hearing.”

Source: https://www.tonyrobbins.com/mind-meaning/the-power-of-deep-listening/

8 Secrets To Become An Instantly Better Listener

1) Passionate People Use A Lot Of Absolutes. Absolutes are words like always, never, everybody, nobody, everything and nothing. Words like these can drive you crazy if you listen to them literally. They can derail a conversion very quickly. Don't listen to absolutes verbatim. If you do, you will end up debating facts instead of communicating. Don't use them if you can help it.

2) Give Your Undivided Attention. Stop what you are doing when someone is talking to you. If you are watching television, turn it off out of respect for the person who is talking. This is a great way to show value to someone. Do it for children, your partner, your friends and your parents. This gives a message that they are more important than what you are watching or doing. Do it without sighing or making an aggravated expression.

3) Look At The Person Who Is Talking. Eye contact shows sincerity. It tells the person who is talking that you are listening and are engaged in the conversion. Eye contact shows that you are interested in what the person has to say.

4) Use Positive Body Language. Lean slightly forward to further convey interest. Uncross your arms to show openness to what they have to say as opposed to arms crossed that tends to be read as defensiveness.

5) Remember You Have Two Ears and One Mouth. Listening is an art form. A good listener is a rare person. A two ears and one mouth approach helps you keep listening in your mind as a priority. It is better to be a good listener than to be a good speaker. Shy people may disagree that it is the truth.

6) You Don't Have To Make Your Point Right Now. Don't steal the conversation by jumping in too quickly to make your own point. Be patient. Just listen. You'll get your turn. You will have more information. You will have better understanding as well. If you are angry, it may be a better idea to wait to make your point.

7) Do Not Retaliate. If the person says something you don't like you do not have to react. A wise person does not retaliate. They listen. Things said in angry, hurt or frustration can sometimes lead to permanent damage to the relationship between you and the other person.

8) Women Are Never Upset For The Reason You Think. This one is for the men. Women don't do it intentionally but they talk in a coded message. What you hear and what they say are often two different things. It is best to start off from this understanding and then set out to crack the code. Men tend to hear that something needs to be fixed, what they do is never good enough, griping, nagging or complaining. He basically hears that he is doing a lousy job and he gets a zero for his effort. He thinks "a zero" is ridiculous and unappreciative. He in turn stops listening. It is important that a man does not hold this common but false conclusion. This is why teenage sons can't hear their moms and why I will always have a job as a marriage therapist.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. He is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and How To Argueproof Your Relationship. Read more of his articles at http://www.TheRelationshipSpecialist.com

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